Babycenter is on Acid

Original post February 28, 2006

Today, I came across Babycenter's Truly inspired names: Editors' choices from 2005. A sampling:

Revamp a classic name with a little punctuational flair. We dig these very creative apostrophe-enhanced spellings from 2005:
Ce'Qwoia (Sequoia?)
Cha'Nce (How did they put an apostrophe in a one-syllable name??)
Se'Heira (Sahara)
Cour'Tez (Raper and pillager of Native peoples... now in misspelled variety!)
De'Liberately (Wait wait, did you catch that? Someone wanted to name their kid DELIBERATELY. With an apostrophe. At least they put the E in "tely," I guess.)
Bles'Id, God'Iss and Myr'Acle (St Orthographica, preserve us!)
O'Livia (For the Irish child in all of us)
Zy'Eire (What would happen if an African country were transported to the British Isle? Zy'Eire!!)

Gods, myths, and legends
Eowyn and Legolas (wow, I had no idea LOTR was ancient myth!)
Hero, Luck, Glory, Greatness (let's not give them a big head now) (P.S. just imagine how ironic the name "Luck" could be)

Food for thought
Food names. I SH*T YOU NOT. FOOD NAMES.
Including Clementine and Rosemary (hey, these aren't so bad), Honey and Safron (borderline... and misspelled)... and then... Beans. Peapod. Cashew. DANISH. GHERKIN. Remember, folks, these are the EDITOR'S PICKS for 2005!!

Love to travel? Pick your favorite vacation destination as your child's moniker. These 2005 babies sound very worldly indeed:

Vegas
Jersey
Havana
India

If by "worldly" you mean "of loose moral character," then yes. These are all pole-dancers. They also suggest Bronx. BRONX. Can you imagine a little kid named BRONX walking through the Bronx. Oh man. Ohhhh man. Along the same lines, they suggest Israel.

Look to literature, and reach back into history for fascinating figures. We think these 2005 baby names have real character:

Now, some of these, I have to admit, are really pretty cool names. Newton. Darwin. Dashiell. Hannibal. I wouldn't use them, but you know... they're pretty awesome. And then... Nixon. Geronimo. Questionable, at best. BUT THEN, the best part of all: BENITO AND ROMMEL. Babycenter "reached back into history" and pulled out... THE AXIS POWERS. "Fascinating figures?" Yes. But maybe not in the way you would want.

Interestingly, they also include D'Artagnan, Hansel and TIGGER, who perhaps might fit better in the "myths and legends" section.

Go Shopping
"Some names come fresh off the packaging, as with these well-branded 2005 babies:

I have to admit, I kind of like Arden and Mercedes. Well, and Jemima, but that's a real name. BUT CHECK THE REST OF THESE OUT. This is where I am hoping it is allll a joke, or a bad dream, or a joke in a bad dream. Hyatt. Espn. Google. FANDANGO. BUTTERBALL. Haha, Babycenter, I knew it. You were pulling our legs with this list the whole time, weren't you?

... weren't you?